Musings of Drewschic

 Wow, can you all faint now? Sure you can, because I am finally posting something on here to update, lol! I have been so busy that I think I have just forgotten to post. Or rather, I haven't really had anything to post lately. And....sadly, facebook has taken over my life, as I think it has everyone else's!

So, where to begin, since I haven't updated since what, August? Hmm. Well, let's see. Hockey season has started, and the Griffins are doing okay, they could be doing better, but with injuries to the Wings and call ups, we're losing a lot of guys so it's starting to affect the team in negative ways. I just hope we can pick it up, get our guys back, and do better the second half of the season.

Well, speaking of hockey, I had a little fling going with a Griffins player. It started the night of the Tip A Griffin at Applebees, when he was messing around with me and I could tell then that he was flirting with me. Every time Mattias came over to our table to talk to us, Dick came over to, and one time, he even pretended to steal some of my food, then laughed and kind of hid behind Mattias when I caught him doing it. So we continued it after that night at Applebees. He started it, so I decided to finish it. I decided to ask him to go out to the bar with me after a game. So I waited, and when he came out afterward and saw me standing there waiting, he gave me a huge smile, like, his entire face literally lit up like he was genuinely happy to see me, and was like, "HEY!". For once, I was actually able to get him away from Mattias (his best friend, but more like his siamese twin as they were never seen without each other.), and Mattias held back to sign some autographs for the little boys that were waiting back there with me, and so Dick and I made it down to the edge of the driveway behind the arena where Mattias's car was, without Mattias. I was surprised. But anyway, I asked him if he wanted to go the bar with me and he had said that he and Mattias (of course!) were going to McFadden's after the game the next night and I was welcome to go with them. So I was planning on it, but then he came out after that game the next night and said he didn't feel good. (Gee, I wonder why, it was like, 20 below and he comes out with no coat on! We're not in sweden anymore, Dick!) 

So I never got my bar night with Dick and Mattias. So I had planned on asking him for a rain check, but I never got a chance, because I could never find him in the concourse long enough to ask him. He was always either with Daniel's girlfriend, Hanna, or Mattias's girlfriend, Josie and I certainly wasn't going to ask him in front of them (although whether or not Josie speaks English is beyond me - I know that Hanna does). So I had decided that I was going to wait until the Great Skate at the end of January, and ask him then, to scope out a little bit, make sure he didn't have a girlfriend and whatnot. Well, he comes out after a game one night a couple weeks before Christmas, and me and my mom and Kathy noticed that he was carrying his equipment. We found it a little odd that Brad or Jake wasn't carrying his equipment, and that he was carrying it to Mattias's car, especially since they played at home the next night. I commented "That looks heavy" and he replied, "It is' then proceeded to put it into Mattias's car and run across the street to the Bella Visa, without even looking at me. When he did look at me, it almost looked as if he felt sad. Normally, he didn't avoid looking at me and was actually glad to see me, but this night, I didn't know what was going on and I started to get a bit suspicious. The question I should have asked was, "Why are you carrying your equipment, isn't that Brad's or Jake's jobs?" but I didn't. 

Well, a couple days later I was at work and Kathy texted me that Dick had gotten suspended. I asked why and she told me that all it said was that he had walked off the team. After hearing that, it explained why Dick had walked out that Friday night carrying his own bags. He was leaving right after he went to the bar with Mattias and Josie. Even Mattias, his best friend, couldn't talk him into staying. What's worse is that he left without even telling the team, which was why he got suspended. I still sort of blame myself for this. Everyone could clearly see what was going on between Dick and I, most especially Mattias, Kathy and my mom. They weren't blind to it,and I know Mattias and Dick talked about me (In Swedish of course) every night. Perhaps if I had said what I should have said, if I had asked him why he was carrying his bags out, perhaps I could have at least convinced him to tell the team, to tell Coach Fraz and Kenny Holland that he was homesick and wanted to go back to Sweden, then at least he wouldn't be in as much trouble as he's in now. But then, if Mattias, his best friend, couldn't talk him out of it, would I have been able to? I could have at least tried. One of these nights I am going to pull Mattias aside and ask him why he didn't tell me what Dick was planning...maybe the two of us could have tried to talk him into sticking the season out. Maybe, maybe not. One could only hope. But, we could have at least tried. 

The sad thing is, now Mattias will barely even look at me. It's almost like he blames me for his best friend leaving, even though Dick had been planning to do it all season. Or rather, maybe he doesn't blame me, but maybe he is just ashamed to look at me because he knows what Dick and I were getting at, where we were going. 

I miss him, but I am angry at him. I never expected him to do that. That's the closest I have ever come to having anything with a hockey player, other than Jiri, but Brad had to get in the middle of that one. Dick and I did this on our own. All I can say is, I hope he returns next season but if he does, he has some serious explaining to do. He saw where things were going, he could have been man enough to tell me himself that he was leaving. But he wasn't, and that, more than anything, is what disappoints me. 

More later,

Cori

Huh, kinda sad that I don't really post here anymore, I really need to start again. But other journals are taking over the internet world I guess so not a lot of people use LJ anymore. I remember when I was in High School and Greatest Journal was all the rage, then LJ took over. I still know my GJ account too, that's sad, lol.

Anyway, I know I told some people about what was going on with my sister and I feel safe posting it here because she doesn't have an LJ, at least not from what I'm aware, but I thought I'd update everyone on what is going on with her. Most of you know my youngest sister had a baby back in Janurary. Well, back in March or April she found out that she was pregnant again. Needless to say nobody was very happy because Gary was only 3 months old. Well, she went for an ultrasound the other day and she found out that she and her husband are being recommended to terminate the pregnancy. Apparently the baby has a condition where the brain isn't developing and it never will, and it has no skull and no skin whatsoever on the back of it's head and so it won't survive once the cord is cut, the only reason it's alive right now is because of my sister. She doesn't want to terminate it and I know this is a hard decision for her, so please keep her in your thoughts and prayers and help her find the strength to make the right decision and do what is best for her.

Why does finding a job have to be so hard? On the other hand I don't see why Joan can't give the others a day off once in awhile to give me a few hours so I can at least get some money, I mean this is ridiculous! And then of course there's Miguel, who told me, oh yeah I'll hire you, let me see where I can fit you in on the schedule and I'll call you. And then when I go back out there two weeks later he's not hiring. Nice Miguel, thanks. I love you too, not! *rolls eyes*

Okay so now its time for my HBP rant. And for anyone who hasn't seen the movie, don't read below.

So the movie. First of all, what the HELL was up with the beginning?? I mean Harry in the Underground and the waitress flirting with him and all that? That was totally unnecessary and did absolutely nothing for the plot! The whole first half of the movie was just totally ruined for me!

What was up with the Burrow being blown to bits? Bellatrix did not blow the Burrow up in the book, so why the hell did she do it in the movie and now where are the Weasleys going to live?? And speaking of Bellatrix, she did not give in that easily when it came to Narcissa talking with Snape in the beginning of the book. It also wasn't her who suggested making the unbreakable vow, either, that was Narcissa. And furthermore, Arthur knew nothing about the Vanishing Cabinet in the book, so why was it him who suggested to Harry that Malfoy was using a Vanishing Cabinet??? That part didn't make any sense.

Tonks and Remus did not get together until the very end of the book. When Malfoy Stupified Harry at the beginning, why was it Luna who found him and not Tonks? Why wasn't Tonks at her post in Hogsmeade where she was supposed to be? Was she too busy snogging Remus to do her job??

What happened to the whole Battle at Hogwarts? What happened to Madam Rosmerta being Imperiused? Nothing was even mentioned about how Katie came about getting the cursed necklace and how Slughorn came across getting the poisoned mead that he was going to give to Dumbledore but that he gave to Ron. What about Bill being bit by Greyback? Are we totally going to skip over the wedding in the 7th movie, which is where the start of the action takes place? JKR obviously added the part about Bill in because it was important for the 7th book and it should have been put into the movie.

What about the memories? The last two memories were out of order and the first two, with us learning about Gaunts Ring and Voldemorts whole beginning, which was the most important, and then seeing Hepzibah with Hufflepuffs Cup and Slytherins Locket, were not even shown and those were the two most important memories. And I hated the young Voldemort, I wish they could have gotten back the guy that played the diary Riddle in the second movie, he was much better. The guy in the book is described as handsome and this guy was just plain ugly and evil-looking from the beginning! There was nothing of him coming back and asking Dumbledore for a job so he could find something of Ravenclaws and Gryffindors to use as Horcruxes, too, which is also important and sets the premise for the 7th book.

Harry and Ginnys kiss did not take place in the Room or Requirement, it took place after the last Quidditch match of the season! And there was hardly anything in there about her and Dean or all the fighting, it was all about Harry and Ginny and Ron and Hermione from the get-go.

Slughorns first party happened on the Hogwarts Express, not at Hogwarts and speaking of Slughorn, I hated the guy that played him. To me, he didn't seem to do the part justice and it wasn't the Slughorn I pictured.

There could have been something done with Dumbledore telling Harry that he inherited Grimmauld Place and Kreacher and Dobby tailing Malfoy and stuff like that, which also sets the premise for the 7th book. Basically every storyline that sets the premise for the 7th book, they left out of this movie.

There was more comedy than there was anything else. And for it being a movie about the Half-Blood Prince, where the hell WAS the Half-Blood Prince throughout the whole movie? I don't mean Snape, I mean the Potions book, and Hermione doing the research to try and find out who it was and stuff like that. There was like, nothing, on the Half-Blood Prince at all and that annoyed me because that was the whole point of the damn book!!!! It could have been done much better.

I HATED Lavender in the book and I hated her more in the movie. She ANNOYED me!!!

Molly not wanting Ron and Ginny to return to Hogwarts. Again, totally pointless, nothing to do with the storyline and no need to be added in. Molly trusts Dumbledore, she knows her kids would be safe and therefore she would have no problem sending them back to Hogwarts. Where did David Yates get that whole idea from anyway??? Way to keep it canon, Mr. Yates! I mean come on now, don't go changing the book just to fit your purposes. And furthermore, Dumbledore did not just DROP Harry into the water when they went to the Burrow, they actually talked in the Broom closet and then Dumbledore delivered him personally to the door, there was nothing about his trunk and Hedwig already being there, and Ginny and Ron trying to find him, they were already asleep when he arrived because it was 3 in the morning!!!

They could have added in some of the stuff about the kids learning how to apparate instead of just showing us Harry doing it all the time.

Scrimgeour and Percy not even being IN the movie! Come on, I mean I know Percy is a prat and all and Scrimgeour is an ass, but they could have at least been shown when everyone was at the Burrow over Christmas like they were in the book. Another important part of the whole book was Scrimgeour trying to convince Harry to stand beside the Ministry and the whole "Dumbledores man through and through" crap and they didn't even show him!

There was a lot more that I didn't like that I could mention but it would be waaaay to long! Now for what I did like

The argument between Snape and Dumbledore. I was actually glad they added that in instead of like the book, having Hagrid tell us that they argued. It was much better to see it than just hear about it.

Dumbledore's death. I was under the impression that they were leaving that part out but that they added it in made me happy. The funeral would have been better to add in, but I loved McGongalls wand tribute to him. And Harry in his office at the end picking up the Elder Wand, because at least they added in SOMETHING to do with the 7th book!

Ron being poisoned. I don't know why but I think this part was done really well.

Dumbledore and Harry retrieving the fake Horcrux. While I would have liked to see more of Dumbledores reactions after drinking the potion, the whole, "It wasn't their fault, it was mine, blame me" and stuff like that, I thought that part was done really well, considering what went on the rest of the movie.

Weasleys Wizard Wheezes. Can I live in this shop? I mean seriously, that was the best damn toy store I'd ever seen!!!!

I think that's the end of my rant right now. I had a lot of stuff that I didn't like about the movie, in fact I disliked more than I actually liked the movie. Overall, it was a good movie, but Im not sure it was the best of the series, as a lot of people are saying. Yates' OOtP was by far the best and actually stuck to Canon more than this one did, this one had the same premise that Cuaron's PoA had. I think they left out a lot of the major plot points that set the story for the 7th book and it kind of makes me afraid of how the 7th movies are going to be...I mean its being divided into two movies which means they want to cover the whole book, obviously....but I hope they don't leave our near as much as they left out in HBP, seriously...On the plus side though, Tom Felton gets hotter the older he gets

Why do I miss someone that I was never dating to begin with? Probably because he was a nice guy, someone that I loved hanging out with...and then I made the mistake of letting Nichole tell him that I liked him (or rather, having my phone right there where she could take it and get his number and tell him) so he texts her back that he does like me and when I start texting him and telling him the truth, he stops talking to me! I think part of that might be because Nichole made the mistake of asking him flat out if we were dating yet....and I haven't heard from him since except to say, I agree that we need to talk....we need to talk but you never answer my texts, you won't answer my email and yet when I IMed you on yahoo and my status for some damn reason said I was shopping (thanks Yahell, for wrecking my chances even more!) you signed off with a, I'll talk to you when you get back but don't answer my texts yet again....this whole thing is just stupid! But for some reason, it feels like my heart is shattered into a million pieces, because I let myself like him more than I probably should have...to be fair, he was leading me on...you don't say the things he did if you don't want to be more than friends, at least not here in America you don't...But I don't know anymore, I thought he was better than that but it seems he is just like all the other guys I've dated, they don't give a damn about anyone feeling's but their own.

Sigh. Oh well. I guess second time is a charm, we can see how things go for me and Kyle again this time around...if we can both work past the issues we had last time....my main one is his getting drunk...I don't like to be around people who are that drunk and I told him that....I just hope he'll learn from last time, we really could get something going if he agrees to work on those issues....not that I mind that he drinks, because I drink too, but I hate being around people who are shit-faced drunk...and I won't do it....

I just want my heart to mend. I want to find someone for me, someone who will take me as I am, faults and all, and someone who will treat me right. I thought Nick was that guy but I let myself feel something for him that he, obviously, didn't reciprocate. So we'll have to see how this works out with Kyle now...

More later,

Cori

I am so over it! Thanks Derek and D for making that become my favorite saying now. But seriously, I am over it! I'm tired of this shit, tired of being treated like I'm second best, third best, whatever they feel at the time. The only time they ever call me if a, when they have nothing better to do, b, when they can't afford booze, or c, when it's 11:30 at night and they know I don't want to hang out this late because I don't want to get stranded at their house. Grr. I just don't know what to do anymore. Well I do, and I don't really want to do it but I think I'm going to have to cut them from my life, sadly. I'm just not going to put up with it anymore. 

I mean seriously, I don't hear from Jenny in almost two weeks, then she comes back, decides that she is so depressed she is going to take off for a night, with nothing but a wall message to me, Nichole and Derek on facebook and she just up and leaves. Then when she comes back who is the first person she goes running to? Nichole! She acts like she wants me to come over, telling me let me see what I can do, and then when I tell her to never mind and she knows I am pissed she just says I just needed to talk to Nichole, we'll do something this week. Yeah, right. She's been with Nichole every day for the last week and a half, and that isn't what really bothers me, despite the fact that I've hardly seen hide nor hair of Nichole this entire time. No, what bothers me is Jenny's whole, "Oh I'm worried about Nichole because she's been drinking with me all the time" spiel that she is giving me. Yeah fucking right, she's not worried about her and she needs to stop fucking lying! In fact, I know it was Nichole and not Jenny that was trying to call me out on yahoo last night because I recognize the way she types and the things she says, the same with Jenny. And the other thing that bothers me is tonight, Jenny called me at 11:30 and was like yeah, we were gonna come get you but Nichole's car broke down and we're not sure how long she is gonna be stranded here until her mom can come look at it...so her car conveniently broke down right as they were going to come get me? Something sounds funny about that...not to mention, Nichole's been telling me for the past two weeks she has no money and hardly any gas in her car and thats why she can't hang out with me....I live right across from her...she has no gas yet she can go all the way across town and hang out with Jenny and be at her beck and call whenever she wants her? Anyway, it just pisses me off, because if you really wanted me to hang out with you, why couldn't Nichole have stopped by on her way, since I live just across the street, and say hey, I'm going to Jenny's, do you want to come? Instead of going all the way over there and then saying yeah sure, we can go get Courtney...sorry I'm not going to be second best, third best and whatever else. I'm fucking sick and tired of being a convenience friend, of only hanging out with them when THEY want to hang out with me. hell, if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't even know each other and now they're getting awful chummy....not that I'm jealous in any way Im not, even if thats what it sounds like...I love that they're hanging out and getting to know each other because that's what life is about, making new friends...what I don't like is being left out all the time...I don't like feeling like in order to hang out with them I HAVE to drink... The thing is though, this is going to probably put a damper on my friendship with Derek and Derek, especially since jenny is so close to them, and sadly, this has nothing to do with either of them, it's mainly Jenny and Nichole. Oh well. it's their own fault. At least I talk to the guys every so often, if i text them at least they text me back, Nichole doesn't even text me anymore and Jenny, who used to call me five times a day or more, hardly even calls me anymore. So I am so over it! I think when it comes to my birthday I'm going to kidnap the guys and the three of us will go out. Gina, you can come if you want, I'd love to see you again it's been so long since we've seen each other.

But anyway, that's it for an update right now, rather short and I'm sorry I think I twisted my shoulder or something because it hurts when I type so I'm calling it quits and going to bed, since I have class in the morning.

Yeah, so I've been trying to find the time to update and here we go, I guess.

Wow, so life has gotten so busy for me. I'm going to school for Child Development if I hadn't mentioned it already and I'm working (or so I think I am) in a child care center part-time (very part-time). I might have a line on a new 24-hour child care center though once they start doing interviews, they've already called Joan so I hope that works out.

So I passed my first aid test today and I'm officially certified in CPR/First Aid now. It also means that I got rid of a class so now I only have three rather than four, so my tuesdays and thursday mornings are freed up now, which is good. Hopefully it'll relieve the stress and the work load I had and I'll be able to focus more now.

So out with the old and in with the new I say. What does this mean exactly? It means that I've had to cut some things from my life and unfortunately, some friends were included in that. I have finally given up hope on Nick, which is sad to say considering how much I really like him, but he doesn't even seem to be making the effort. Just tonight he told me he'd meet me online at midnight so we could chat and I texted him while I was at Meijers with Nichole and told him to give me a few more minutes and then I would meet him. I sent him an offline message when I got home and he's not even on. He's a nice guy and I'll still talk to him, but I've officially given up on trying to get anything going with him.

So I guess I've got a new boyfriend, if that's what you can call him? He's a friend of my ex, Melanie, and he admitted to me after she called it off that he's had a crush on me for awhile. I finally pushed him to ask me out last week because I was tired of him beating around the bush, but...I'm still not sure how I feel, it's almost like I'm betraying Melanie in a way with getting with her friend so quickly after we broke up.

Since we're talking about getting rid of things, I need to go through and delete some people off of my livejournal. Unfortunately, Jesi is going to be one of them. I hate how we have stopped talking over something stupid but if she wants to play those kinds of games and not talk to me over something that wasn't even my fault and I was dragged in the middle of, then that's on her and not on me. And no Gina I don't blame you nor am I mad at you:)

Another one of those friends I've cut is unfortunately, Jon. I hated that I had to do it because he was one of my best friends, but the way he has been acting and treating Jenny lately is very uncalled for and unfortunately, I was dragged in the middle of that too whether intentionally or not.

And Mike. I've officially cut him from my life. He IMed me a couple weeks ago and was like for the record, I'm not mad at you. I haven't heard from him since but I was like that's nice, you're going to let your little girlfriend control who you talk to when what happened between us was your fault to begin with, I don't even want to talk to you. I ran into his dad and older brother at the store yesterday and dragged Nichole around the store so we could stalk them, they ended up laughing at us but oh well.

So out with the old, and in with the new. I've started hanging out again with my friend Jenny from HS. We ran into each other at Discussions a couple years ago for my 21st birthday and had been talking ever since but we just recently started hanging out with each other more and she's introduced me to a new group of friends. On the night of her 21st birthday, we went out to the bar and I met a couple of her friends but I took a liking to Derek in particular. I'm not sure what it was about him, maybe it was that I was on the verge of drunkenness, lol, but he seemed to be the only one that could get me to let go of my inhabitions that night and he was the only one that was able to get me to dance. He didn't even know me, he'd known me for two seconds and he had me out on the dance floor dancing with him and nobody has ever been able to do that, especially since I don't dance. So we exchanged numbers after Jon and I left Jenny's that night and I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again but I was definitely wrong! Jenny invited he and his friend to my place one night to hang out and they crashed at my place and we've all been hanging out ever since.

We decided to have a Valentine's Day party at Derek's (we all crashed at his place in Rockford) and that whole weekend was the best weekend of my life. These guys are so awesome. But I would have to say the best part of the whole weekend was Derek and D-Rock (also named Derek, hence the nickname) finally getting together!! It was so cute and I was squealing when Derek told me over the phone last weekend, they are just so cute together! My heart melts every time I see the two of them together because they are just so cute and it gives me hope that if I keep trying, my relationships will eventually work out, too. D-Rock was burned like me with his past relationships but he had his eye on Derek and knew what he wanted and went after it (after Derek pried him a little bit) and that's what I'm going to start doing.

So I've been spending the past couple weekends with my friends. They're so awesome, but the only thing is, I have to try to remember not to abandon my old friends for new ones (like Kathy). Jenny wants to go to the pub this weekend but I think I might step back and just chill at home with Nichole this weekend, next week is spring break so if they want to do something, we can and I can walk to D-Rock's anytime I get bored, lol, he only lives down the street from me. I just need a break though. Especially since we're planning a casino trip for the guys birthdays (both in March), if we spend the next two weekends with them that'll be five weeks in a row spent with them...I love them, but I don't love them that much. I want a break before we go to the casino so we don't all get on each other's nerves before that weekend, lol.

So yeah, now the guys think we've officially lost it, lol. Nichole and I were wandering around Walmart (which we do every night when we're bored and we've even gotten to know one of the cashiers up there since we're always up there, lol) trying to figure out what we wanted to get the guys for their birthday (and food-wise for Derek since we ate him out of house and home, or the others did, the weekend we were there). and we texted him telling him we were going to spoil him and D-Rock that weekend (especially since he is such a gracious host and let us crash at his place and let Nichole and D-Rock get plastered out of their minds). I was teasing him and told him that they were going to like what we got them and he had the nerve to ask me if I got them a dildo! I was laughing so hard I almost choked on the tic tacs I was eating and Nichole stared at me like I was crazy. So I texted D-Rock and was asking him what color he wanted and he actually thought we were going to waste money on it even though we knew it wouldn't be used! It was hilarious. I finally called him and explained that it was a joke and told him to blame Derek when he talks to him later because he was the one who told me to text D-Rock and mess with his mind a little bit, lol. Now we've got them both anxious as to what Nichole and I are planning for their birthdays. They'll just have to wait until the 13th to see (Derek's is first, D-Rock's is, coincidentally Gina the same day as yours, but we're combining the two) what we got them. We're throwing them a small surprise party the day before we go to the casino, even though they've both told us not to. So we're pretty excited.

Wow, I just realized it's 1:30 in the morning and I've got class in the morning (unless it gets canceled again) so I ought to go to bed. I just wanted to update everyone on my life. Oh and once Spring Break comes around, I'll get started on D and D again, I've already got a couple chapters written out, but I want to get the whole thing typed out, which I hope to do next week (if the gang doesn't kidnap me again)

So more later,

Cori

I've had it. I'm just going to stop trying and resign myself to the fact that I'm going to be alone. I never really knew how much it bothered me until the day my sister got married. Instead of being happy for her, as much as I tried, it just made me feel all the more lonely. Seeing the two of them together made me realize that I'm probably not going to have that and it used to bother me, but I've come to realize that maybe being alone isn't so bad...being alone gives you more choices, it doesn't tie you down to a certain person and it lets you do what you want with no repercussions. I don't have to worry about making my partner mad if I do something. Last weekend when I went out with my friends and Jen was trying to get me to dance with her, I felt so free, like I could have done anything that night and I haven't felt that in awhile. Maybe it was the three drinks I had, maybe it was the fact that I was tipsy, I don't know what it was...but I felt so free...I haven't felt like that in awhile...but then when Jen tried to get me to dance with her, I thought of Melanie and i told Jen no, because it would have felt awkward to me...

But then my world comes crashing down around me, again. And I don't know why I didn't see it coming, because it happened almost the exact same way that it happened with Mike...someone else had feelings for her, wanted to see what it was like to kiss a girl and then all of a sudden she decides we'd be better friends...who can blame her, really, it's hard living in different states...but I wish she would have told me that BEFORE I asked if any places around her were hiring...I had made up my mind to move out there so it wouldn't be that hard...but now, that's changed because it would be kind of awkward...I might still visit, but I dunno...things just don't seem to work out for me, so I'm resigned to the fact that I'm going to be alone...and that's okay with me, now, it wasn't before, but I can accept it now. It just means it's hardened my heart and it's harder for me to let people in now except for my really close friends, just because I am so tired of being burned all the time...you would have thought I learned the first time...but now I have.

And I've officially decided Mike is a jerk. I decided to IM him tonight, just to see how he was, only to find out that a, his new girlfriend doesn't want him talking to me and b, he doesn't want to talk to me. So I said fine, have a nice life and officially deleted him off of msn.

Sigh. I'll write more later.

Cori

Now that I can see straight enough to type and I've calmed down some and am not so much in the mood I want to hit someone....


MEN ARE ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!  

read the truth, people. It may not be the truth to you but eventually you'll learn, most, if not all, men are assholes. And then they try to blame what they did on you. Yeah, they're that dumb. Sorry but it wasn't my fault you decided to go out and find yourself another woman because I wouldn't give you what you wanted. Don't try to blame that on me. He broke down every barrier I had up and now they're back up. I can't trust him anymore and I told him that flat out. I probably will end up later regretting half the things I said, or maybe I won't, but I was so fucking pissed off, beyond pissed off, that I don't even care if I hurt him with my words. I meant what I said, he didn't hurt me, I'm so used to this that I'm beyond feeling pain anymore, but that doesn't stop me from being pissed off. I bitched his ass out royally...you don't try to blame me for something that you did, I did not push you to that other woman, you chose her because she gave you what you wanted and I didn't, because I stuck to my principles. Everything I told you the other night went in one ear and out the other, because I wouldn't allow myself to be touched by you and be as physical as you wanted, you went and did this. Well you know what? FUCK YOU!! You tell me you're not like every other guy out there and then you go and do this. The other day when you were here and you were yelling at those guys we saw on Maury for cheating on those women and not taking responsibility for their children, that was a fucking act, you didn't mean a word of it. Grr, I hate you so much right now that I don't even know what I want to do...at first I just wanted to slap you so hard, either that or kick you in the balls and make damn sure you couldn't have sex...now I don't know whether to scream or cry, or both. Oh wait, I don't cry over men, I never have and I'm not going to start now. I've been so hardened by men in the past that what you did doesn't even make me hurt, it just makes me so pissed off and makes me want to go out and get drunk.

Oh and guess what Mr I'm-not-like-other-guys-and-don't-want-to-get-in-your-pants, I had a secret too and like you, I hurt someone that I really cared about and loved, even more than you though I didn't realize it until now. Unlike you though, she sticks by her words and says something when she means it. I hated hurting her and in my twisted and warped mind, thought it might be worth it to see what could happen between us again...but I hurt her and I absolutely hate myself for that, but she's willing to give me another chance because that's how much she loves me. And I love you so much for that Mel, if it had been me, I don't think I could have forgiven myself, but you truly are an angel in disguise and I love you for it and I'm so sorry that I hurt you!

Okay...I'm calmed down enough that I think I can leave it at this for tonight. I was so pissed that I bitched his ass out and I've never been that mad before, I just couldn't see straight and I kept going and going and going, like the energizer bunny. But I think I feel better now and after giving myself a headache from being angry at you and hating myself for hurting Mel, I think I'm gonna go hop in the shower now and get ready for bed because I have class in the morning.

I hope your happy with your new girl and I really hope you can live with yourself for what you did to me. You're an ass and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you again. Maybe after awhile we can be friends but I will never date you again and you know me things about me that I wish I'd have never told you. Go to hell you asshole.

More later,

Cori

 

Yeah... So after the little incident with Mike last night, I got to thinking about some serious things. Friends come and go, unfortunately, no matter how long you'd like to keep them around. I seem to be losing touch with my friends sadly, especially the ones I want to remain friends with....It's sad, we've all grown up, grown apart and moved our separate ways unfortunately and as much as we've all tried to stay together, it hasn't worked.

So what brought this on? I was reading through chani_sama's journal and she had a post that mentioned me and Gina and a fallout that the three of us had, that I still have no idea how I got involved in it, and it got me to thinking about how friends do grow apart, sadly. You can be really close in high school and then never see or hear from that person again. What hurts the most is when they leave without telling you and you have to find out from someone else that they left. It hurts, but it's one of those things you get used to after awhile. This is actually something I've been thinking about for awhile myself, so it's not like it's something that just suddenly popped up. I realized it when Nichole and I got into that fight a couple weeks ago and I realized it last night when for some reason, I tried so desperately to hang onto Mike as a friend and he was so willing to let me go so easily. It sucks, but that's life for you, people just grow up and move on.

I've been thinking a lot lately about just moving out of state. I really think I need a change of scenery. My sister is planning on moving to Georgia in March, a few months after she has her baby and I'm planning on driving down there with her and flying back...but maybe I won't, maybe I'll just stay down there...She's already told me that I can if I want to, so maybe I'll take her up on her offer and see what I can find, school and job wise, out there. Maybe I should start looking. I just seriously need to get out of Michigan...asides from my family and the few friends I have left out here, there's really nothing out here for me anymore. It's sad to say, but it's true. Maybe I'm just musing, I don't know, but it's something I've been seriously thinking about for awhile now. I need to get away. I don't know where to and I don't know for how long, but I need to get away before I lose my mind, seriously. Things are just going crazy around me right now and I feel like I'm going crazy with them, very slowly but crazy all the same. I was thinking when I go to Georgia with my sister, just taking the whole summer to myself, go to Georgia, then go to New Hampshire to visit Melanie, then fly to Texas for Amber's graduation and then come back home...like I said, maybe I'll stay in Georgia...Dee and Robby are going to need someone to help take care of the baby while Robby's at work...I don't know. I'm just ranting. I just really wish that friends wouldn't let themselves grow apart for something stupid.

Whatever.

More later,

Cori

ps - I hope to be starting at the Haunt again tomorrow night, I'm excited, I missed working there and it's something to keep me busy throughout the month, when I don't have homework, anyway.

pps- I also hope to get to working on Distressed and Dangerous some more very soon and get some more of it posted, I'm looking into an e-publisher so I want to get it done as soon as possible and sent out.

Why?

Why am I still crying tears for you?

When I keep telling myself we’re through

Why do I keep thinking about you?

Every time I go to bed at night

Why do I keep putting myself through the hurt?

When all you do in the end is hurt me more

Why do I care so much?

If all you’re going to do is let me go in the end

Why do I keep thinking it’s worth it?

When in the end I realize it isn’t

Why?

Because the realization is, I still Love You.

Well whoever said that ain't met my ex.....I swear I get involved with all the weirdest men possible....Mike just seriously needs to stop it. Seriously. All he's trying to do is manipulate people into being friends with him by giving them that whole "I'm sorry I was born, I'm sorry I'm a burden, I'm sorry blah blah blah" shit. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get up off your ass and go out and get a job. I mean seriously, I know he has bi-polar but that is no excuse as to why he can't work. Mark is bi-polar and he's got a high ranking, good paying job so I know someone with bi-polar can work. Not to mention Mike is very intelligent and smart, he could easily get a job if he would just get up off his ass and go find one.

Oh and here's another idea...get over your people complex. You say you don't have any friends but you never go out and try to meet any! All you do is fish and sleep until 7 at night then do the same thing over again.

And I'm tired of this me complex that he's developed. "Oh I understand how you feel but when I tell you how I feel you get pissed." Because it's all about YOU!!!!!!!!! I mean seriously when someone outright tells you that they have expectations for their friends that their friends don't meet, you included, and that none of their friends make time for him because they always busy with work or school, what is someone supposed to think?? Seriously...this me complex has got to go. And I'm tired of the whole "I'm gonna kill myself" attitude too....I'm starting to wonder if he just uses that as a diversionary tactic to get his friends to drop what they are doing to go attend to him. i don't want to see him kill himself but I'm tired of him using that as an excuse all the time. I'm about ready to just go over there and smack some sense into him, seriously. he needs to realize just how stupid he sounds for once and maybe he can realize why he can't keep a friend or a girlfriend. I'm sure if he listened to himself the way I do, he'd see where I'm coming from.

I really tried hard and now he thinks Im a bitch for telling him how it is, but I honestly don't care anymore, he needs to hear ho wit is, seriously. Maybe if enough people tell him how it is, he'll get the hint.

I am SOO sick of this shit! I'm seriously about ready to just take Joe up on his offer and then come back and tell Mike to fuck off, maybe if I go out and sleep with another guy, he'll back the fuck up and realize that Im not going to be manipulated by him the way his other friends are. That sounds cruel I know but Im getting tired of his shit.

 

On the bright side, I got a new phone today. it's the samsung alias, its like my razor but it flips open from the side and there's a keyboard, I love it!

I really wish someone OTHER THAN Austin and Amanda were online right now...even Melanie, I texted her and she isn't texting me back she probably fell asleep...I really really really have no idea what to do....I am so confused that I'm almost crying, this decision could cost me a very dear friendship and I definitely do not want that...I guess I should tell you what I am confused about....

My friend Kathy's youngest son lately on Facebook has been saying some very sexual things to me...at first I thought nothing of it, just that he was like a little brother to me and maybe was comfortable talking that way around me....after about the second and third time I started thinking okay, we've moved out of that brother/sister stage because a brother would definitely not talk to his sister like this.....and tonight, I was at his house for a little while earlier this afternoon and I was teasing him and he said something to me and I said fuck you....I don't know if Kathy heard it and just let it slide or if she didn't hear it, but he said okay, where...just a little while he was talking to me on facebook and he said something to me and i said I don't know if you're girlfriend would like that....he said he knew that was coming and was like we've talked about it....i asked him what they talked about and he told me his girlfriend (whom I'm starting to wonder if she really exists or not, though Kathy said she's talked to her, maybe she's just a friend and nothing more, I mean she is fifteen and he's seventeen) has already lost her virginity and wouldn't mind if he lost his to someone else....apparently he's chosen me....and I have no idea why and Im really confused because he has never shown any interest in me at all before beyond an annoying older sister until the last week or so.

The problem? Kathy knows how I feel about him, I admitted it to her the other day...I'm not going to deny that I haven't thought about it lately, because I have, if I must be honest.....but I don't know what to do, if Kathy finds out, I'm going to lose her as a friend and she is one of my best friends... I promised Joey I wouldn't say anything to her, but I can only go so long lying to Kathy, if she finds out the stuff he's been saying and that i've been leading him on for that matter and not stopping him (though in my defense I didn't know it was going to go this far) I'm going to lose her friendship and even the thought of losing her friendship kills me because it would be very disrepespectful to do that to her and the thought of it already has me in tears...I'm just so fucking confused....I blame myself for leading him on and going along with it....and I don't want just a casual fuck and that's what this would be....if it turned into a relationship I might be more willing to consider it but I don't think it will....I'm just so fucking confused, I know nobody can make the decision for me but right now all I want is for someone to tell me that I'm so fucking incredibly stupid for leading him and I deserve whatever happens as a result of the decision I made.

God, why do I have to know men that only want my body? Just once, can't I even know a guy friend who only wants me for me? I'm so fucking tired of this, all I want is to be happy like everyone else and apparently all the guys I'm involved with want more than that. I hate that.

Yeah thats right, I hate being called a liar. If you're going to call me a liar, get your fucking facts straight first. Yes, I told Liz everything that Nichole said I did, but it isn't nothing Nichole's hasn't heard from me before. Trying to pretend she never heard me voice my suspicions to her about her being involved in the phone calls, her writing being on that package that I was sent and pretending she knew nothing about it. Whether she was or wasn't now isn't the point the point is, I DID voice my concerns to her months ago and now she's trying to tell me that I never told her any of this stuff to her face. Nice try bitch but why don't you dig deeper into that supposedly good memory of yours and pull out where I told you that I had wondered for a time if you were behind those calls, but then we got it all straightened it out. I didn't tell Liz that I thought you were stalking me NOW, but would she listen? NOOO! "I can't believe you anymore, you say one thing and they all say something else." Because they are fucking twisting my words to try and get me into trouble, thats why you don't listen to things second-hand. And get the fucking facts straight before you accuse me of anything. You know what bitch? You may think that nobody gives a shit about me but those that truly care about me will always give a shit about me. You don't matter to me anymore, it's a shame that we had to end a friendship because of something like this, because you refuse to listen to me. Maybe I should talk to Kara about putting you back in the Alzheimers unit if you really want to pretend that you don't remember me telling you everything that I told Liz. It's nothing new so I don't know why you think I am lying to you, I'm not. But I don't care. You're such a fucking coward, you talk about me not being able to say things to your face, you couldn't even CALL me to bitch at me, you had to hide behind your precious little text messages because you knew you didn't want to have to face the truth and realize that I wasn't lying to you. I seriously need to start picking better friends. I should have listened to Kathy and my grandmother both when they told me they didn't like you, maybe if I had, I wouldn't be in this situation, I wouldn't be needing my sister to convince me that people DO give a shit about me. NOW you want to talk things through and find out what the hell is going on? It's a little late for that I already told you what was going on but you refused to listen to me, so why do you want to talk to me now? I'm just going to tell you the same thing that I already told you, if you didn't listen to me in text messages what makes you think you'll listen to me on the phone? You probably won't. You're just going to believe what you want to believe it doesn't matter what I tell you is the truth. Why the hell is something from 6 months ago being brought into this to begin with? Don't drag Liz into this, it's between you and me? A, Liz shouldn't have opened her big mouth to begin with (not to mention I do not remember telling Liz not to Nichole what I said, especially when I'd already brought those concerns up to her...I think the only thing I told her not to tell her was that I got another job already, because I don't want that to cause problems) and B, what is between us when this whole thing happened six months ago?

Sigh. Well for now we got it cleared it up. I don't know how much longer that will last, but we'll see.

I FOUND D AND D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I wasn't even looking for it, lol...I was actually looking for my bathing suit for my swimming class tomorrow night and happened to pull out a folder and D and D was in there!!!!!!!! Well, not all of it, but at least up to chapter 7, so I can at least write up to that until i find the rest of it! And I just read through it and I don't think any of those chapters have to be edited! WOOHOO that makes me happy! With quitting my job, in between school and labs I hopefully will have more time to write on D and D now!!!!! I am so happy! I will probably start posting chapters up again tomorrow night as I'm too tired to stare at the screen and figure things out tonight, lol.

I've been bored the last couple days so to get back into the spirit of writing, I decided to create dolls of the characters I'm using in D and D and my two RPG characters. Enjoy! And Ainsley and Spencer will be created soon.

Sean Nanzir

Shylia Nanzir

Spence Prescott

Allegra Prescott

Addison Prescott

Mercedes Prescott

 I just cut my finger on a slat on the window in my mom's bedroom while I was trying to get them down, lol. That sucker hurt! And I just spilled kool-aid on my laptop. What a klutz, lol

Anyway wow, I love how I never write in here unless I'm really bored. I probably should start writing in here again.

So first thing's first. Well, there really is no first thing first, lol. The olympics are finally over. I didn't even really watch any of them, I'm more into the winter olympics that way I can see the hockey tournaments though I do like gymnastics. I just didn't want to stay up til six in the morning to watch them. I may be a night owl but I do enjoy my sleep.

I can't wait til tomorrow! We're going to Frankenmuth on Tuesday until Thursday and I'm off until at least Sunday, I'm not sure what my schedule is next week, I'll have to either call Nichole or Andrea or go up and take a look at it but I get six days off! Vacation here I come, I am so geeked! Though I know the girls aren't too happy, oh well, they take too many vacations and I haven't had one since I started there so now its my turn.

Man, the other day was so much fun! On Wednesday I went down to CC and got some books and then I went over to Ambers and we decided we wanted to see where Elaine lived...well, we walked all through Ramblewood to see if there was still anyone there who worked there when we lived there who would remember her and nobody did, they knew her but they didn't know her last name. So then we decided to walk across to the trailer park she lives in to see if maybe they could tell us her last name and luckily, the guy in the office knew her and he tried to get into the computer to see if he could get her number for us but they had locked him out because he just started. So we went all the way back to Amber's house and looked her up online and finally found her, only to find out that we pulled a me and Nichole and stood right in front of her house and not realized it was where we wanted to be (In Detroit Nichole and I were trying to find Cheli's Chili and we couldn't find it then when we got home we looked it up online and found out we were pretty much standing right in front of it). So we called her and agreed to meet up with her on Friday.

So on Friday I dragged my mom with us. We went back down to CC so I could get the rest of my books, then went over to pick up Amber and little man (Rob-D) then went to Elaine's. We found out that Tiger had called her and she told him that we were coming over that day and he said he was going to stop by after work because he's leaving to go to Hollywood next week and he wanted to see us before he went. So before he did that we went to Burger King and I about knocked Amber out of her chair because I saw Miguel at the counter and ran up there to see him. And now Elaine thinks I have a crush on him because I told him I love you and he said he loved me back before we left, but its something Miguel and I have always done.

So then Tiger came over around 7 after he got out of work, I told my mom to go on ahead because I wanted to see Tiger before he left. I'm glad I stayed, I was thinking about leaving but I'm glad I didn't. He showed us his plaque and medals that he won at the WCOPA (World Championship of Performing Arts or something like that) and said that he found an agent who is willing to take him on and get him started in his rapping and acting career and he wants to dabble in modeling too. AND he does freelance web-design. He's a busy man. Man, if he's that successful at 24 it makes me wonder what I'm going to be doing in 2 years when I turn 24!

But he showed his awards and did his monologues for us and showed us some pictures online and then I had to get going because I had to work the next morning or I would have stayed all night. But then we spent another hour taking group pictures and just talking to Elaine and crying because it was the last time we'd see Tiger for awhile, he doesn't plan on coming back to Michigan and I don't know about Amber but I don't know when I'm ever going to get to California to see him, but he did say he'd try to come out to Texas for Amber's graduation in May with me and Elaine, so we're hoping he'll be able to get the time. It was fun, but we were missing Kevin and Korey and then our group would have been complete (at Ramblewood, it was me, Amber, Tiger, Korey and Kevin who hung out more often down at the Clubhouse with Elaine helping her plan different events and we were all right around the same age - well, Kevin, Korey, Tiger and I were, Amber is the youngest of us and Elaine is like a second mother to all of us). So we had the whole gang minus Kevin, who seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth after he moved out of Ramblewood, and Korey, who is moving to Dallas and is going to be closer to Amber than any of us. But it was still fun, I was always closer to Tiger than to Korey, anyway. Man, we were remincsing(sp) the other night and the last time we saw each other as a group (me, Elaine, Korey, Tiger and Kevin) was the day of the car wash that we did for Hurricane Katrina (Amber was supposed to help but she had already gone back to Texas early at the time). This was the first time any of us (minus me and Amber) had been together since the car wash and that was almost 4 years ago! But yeah, it was a fun night and we got some great pictures and each other's contact information (though I already had Amber's) and we swore to keep in touch, which is good. Actually I just remembered Tiger, Amber and I went ice skating last year, so that was the last time we saw each other, lol. But still, it's been awhile. And I missed him, he's a good guy, I love him to pieces. And Elaine, our black momma as we all called her. And she calls us her adopted children. I still say what I said the night she lost the election she was running for - God puts people on this Earth disguised as Guardian Angels and he wants you to run into them for a reason - Elaine was one of those people that God wanted to be in our lives and so he made it happen. And I don't regret a day of it! She is always there for us and I don't know what I would do without her, she has helped each of us in a different way and she has encouraged our dreams. Tiger always said he was going to make it big and go to Hollywood and Elaine encouraged him to follow his dream and sure enough, look where he's at now, in Hollywood! And she keeps telling Rob-D he should be a gymnast and she is going to help him make that dream come true. She got Chelsea into job corp when she needed it and she really turned Amber around, I hate to say it but Amber was pretty wild when I first met her but since she met Elaine, Elaine turned her around for the better into the young woman she is today. I really love that woman, she is like a second mother to me and I really don't know what I would do without her! I love you, Momma! And we're going to miss you Tiger, congratulations on living out your dream and good luck in California!

Now, before this turns into a sob fest, because I can feel the tears coming on already, lol, I'm going to end this and see what else i can find to do on the internet. It's sad, its become boring. I think while I'm in Frankenmuth I might see what i can get done on D and D, if I can find it. I think thats going to be my NaNo this year. 

More Later,

Cori

I finally got ahold of my doctor this morning (who for some reason thought he called me and left a message yesterday when he never did) and I do not have cancer! THANK GOD! It is such a huge relief off of my shoulders to know this and now hopefully I can finally relax (though I think my body is protesting, saying relaxation, what the hell is this, we havent felt relaxed in awhile).

Thank you to everyone who was worried about me and was keeping me in their thoughts and prayers, I appreciate it greatly!

I have to send a huge thanks out to Mel, I know she doesnt have a livejournal and will never read this, but without her I don't think I would have made it through this. I love you so much baby, thank you for everything!

Thanks again to everyone!

More later,

Cori

Only one more day and I get to find out the results of the biopsy...I really hope they are good...I'm really scared that I'm not going to get good news even though my doctor didn't seem too concerned but I'm scared to death and nobody seems to understand what I'm going through. I'm terrified and I've never been this terrified in my life...

*sigh.* Please please please let everything be alright...

On the bright side of things I got a ps2 out of a trade with my little brother the other day for my old laptop and I found super legends at blockbuster (cuz I cant find it anywhere else anymore, go figure!) and I've been playing it almost non stop since 6:00 (now Im breaking until tomorrow though, I have to leave the game on pause because I don't have a memory card for it so this way I wont have to save it) and after three times Leo and Damon (who sounds more like Kai to me than Damon, lol) managed to defeat Trakeena in the megazord. Now its onto Hunter and Lothor.

And I swear I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out who did the voice for Omega ranger in the Hall of Records when we see him and it finally dawned on me - it's JDF! I'd recognize his voice anywhere! (his and Johnnys but JDF has an unmistakeable voice, lol) Though it makes me wonder why JDF did the voice for Omega and not his own ranger, lol...

But I defeated Moltor in Overdrive with Will and Trakeena in Lost Galaxy with Leo, now on to Lothor and I hope Hunter can defeat him! It would be easier with a second player, lol...then I could have the Thunder brothers, instead of just the thunder brother, lol. God I'm obsessed with this game now. My mother was looking at me earlier like I was nuts cuz I was yelling at the screen and telling Leo to move because he wasnt going anywhere. She rolled her eyes at me and went in the bedroom, lol.

*sigh* Well, I'll let you know what I find out tomorrow.

More later,

Cori

So I get this message on myspace from my sister telling me I'm going to be an aunt again...I'm praying that it's Jackie or even Rachel...but nope, it's Deanna. I mean, I'm happy for her but she's only 19, the same age Amanda was when she found out she was pregnant...But at least she did the right thing and ditched the guy she was with, her baby's daddy. I liked Mike at first but from what she's been telling me the last few days about him, he's a jerk and I don't want him around my little sister or my niece or nephew...


Too many babies...and too young to be having them....but congratulations Dee!

You know, I really wish the hospital would have told me the other day that they wanted me to go in for more testing, instead of telling me, "Oh everything's fine but if you still notice it in 6 months come back and we'll do another ultrasound" Where am I getting all this damn money??? Grr...I wish I had never discovered this thing and I wish this whole thing would just end...I'm tired of all these doctors visits and the Komen grant doesn't cover biopsies if thats what they want me to do. I'll talk to my mom when she gets home and find out what she wants me to do. But I'm tired of this, seriously.

Well, it appears as if another relationship is bust. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to get involved in relationships at all, they never work out. Maybe its just me, I don't know. Whatever it was, another relationship just went belly up. So my question is why do I even bother at all? Can someone tell me that?

I just wish people would stop telling me things if they don't really mean them. I give them every opportunity to be truthful with me and all I get is lies and uncertainty in the end, I'm sick and tired of it. Now people know why I don't trust very well, because nobody is willing to be truthful with me. Is it so hard to just tell someone the truth? All I'm asking for is a little bit of honesty - you can't ask me for honesty if you're not willing to be honest with me, serioisly now. 

So can someone tell me why I even bother? Maybe I should just give up...maybe i'm not the type of person to be in a relationship. And Mike wonders why its so hard for me to say I love you to anyone, because everytime I say I love you and open my heart up, I get hurt in the end. I'm tired of getting hurt. And it makes it worse because people just don't understand. It's better to not open up your heart and be guarded because you don't get hurt. I'd rather be guarded then get hurt at all. 

*sighs* I just wish people would say what they mean. I'm tired of being lied to. Is honesty too much to ask these days? Apparently so.